Snippets and Bits About the Pace of Life

Being deep in volunteer work means that my brain is fairly occupied so I’ve been forming bits and snippets of thoughts that are half materialized into blog posts, but it feels like there’s very little space in my mind to hold on to these things.

In some ways, it really demonstrates how our world can change and shift based on circumstance but also how our mental focus really affects how we perceive reality. Let me unpack that: when we have big events happening in our lives, our focus is almost entirely taken up by that event. It feels like our whole world. It defines us. But of course, the world is largely the same and we’re really no different as individuals. The hyperfocus tricks us into thinking that the world has changed or we have changed, when really it’s just our perception.

As an example, I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with Ro and how intensely focused I was on getting pregnant. The monthly anticipation and let down. I clearly remember hitting very low points where I was mentally beating myself up, which I don’t think is uncommon for people going through those struggles. I was all-consumed. But the world around me hadn’t really changed. It was totally internal. Life circumstances weren’t any worse than before we started trying to get pregnant. Nothing had been taken away. I was still the same person. But man, did it ever feel like my world was crumbling!

I’m feeling a bit relieved with the reminder that life itself hasn’t changed that much over the past month and it’s just that my brain is busy thinking about this work. This shit is stressful! And it’s nice to remember that life can still be peaceful and intentional and slooooowwwww when I want it to be.

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Speaking of slowing down and this work that I’m doing: we are on a tight deadline and its fucking stressful. Not only is the fundraising on a deadline, but the re-opening of operations is on a deadline and decisions have to be made on a deadline and actions have to be taken on a deadline and things are literally changing hour to hour. It’s a wild ride and I’ve noticed that my natural reaction is to fight against this speed speed speed all the time. While I can acknowledge that I’ve been out of the official rat race for a few years now, I’m actually quite shocked at how adverse this pace feels for me internally.

I’m quite happy to be a jump in with both feet and try, fail, pivot, try again kind of person and I actually think this approach to life is fairly critical, but I also feel that each stage of this process needs time to germinate/percolate/marinate in order to make good informed decisions. It’s important to allow room for some depth. So it’s a bit ironic that I picked up the Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenace audiobook from the library this week. I’ve tried to get through the book before but I think I was too young and wanted more plot line and less ruminating, which really is the beauty of the book itself.

I say it’s ironic because in the first chapter, the narrator identifies that he also desires the ability to slow down and dive deep into the topics he’s thinking about:

What is in mind is a sort of Chautauqua - that’s the only name I can think of for it - like the traveling tent-show Chautauquas that used to move across America, this America, the one that we are now in, an old-time series of popular talks intended to edify and entertain, improve the mind and bring culture and enlightenment to the ears and thoughts of the hearer. The Chautauquas were pushed aside by faster-paced radio, movies and TV, and it seems to me the change was not entirely an improvement. Perhaps because of these changes the stream of national consciousness moves faster now, and is broader, but it seems to run less deep.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert M. Pirsig

After hearing this, I started thinking about the pace at which we all move these days in search of maximum efficiency and profitability. While there is a very real deadline associated with the work that I’m doing, I wonder how necessary that deadline is and how much we’ve manufactured that sense of urgency. Yes, people need to get paid sooner than later and rent is due as are the utilities, but I wonder what it might look like to run a business (or a non profit cooperative in this case) with the intention of moving at a slower pace in the same way that I’ve intentionally chosen to participate in slow work at a slower pace.

Is there room for that in the business world? What kind of reprocussions might happen from have a value of slowness? How might it benefit the organization in the long run? Does slowness and depth naturally conflict with capitalism and an endless growth model or might they be able to exist side by side?

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While the weather has been pretty gross around here with warm fronts turning all the snow to mud, it’s hard not to think about spring. Now that I’m acquainted with a few market gardeners, my social circle is ordering seeds and opening up CSA registrations. Part of me day dreams about upping my food growing to something more commercial and another part wants to focus in more on food preservation for our own consumption.

One thing that I’m excited to expand this year is herbs. As I’ve started to make some more plant friends and explore plant medicine, I’ve been thinking more about how to add more perenial herbs throughout the garden. My dogs dug up a good patch of my strawberries hunting for mice and I was upset at first, but I think this is a call to squeeze in some more native plants that I can harvest for tea and medicine.

I have to remind myself, though, that it’s still winter despite the muddy backyard. We’re likely going to get more snow and last frost is a staggering 4 months away so I can’t get too excited or I’ll jump the gun!

Anyone interested in a seed swap?? I’d be happy to facilitate if you have some seeds kicking around to get in the spirit of spring!