Usually when I have a thought that I’d like to write about, I spend a few days thinking about it first, making sure that it’s solidified in my head. By the time that I sit down at a computer to write, words are usually bursting forth because I’ve been holding them together for so long and am eager to get them down.
Lately, when I sit down to write though, there’s no burst. Sometimes there’s a slow dribble. The words kind of trickle out and then I read back and decide it’s shit and delete them all and wait for the crystallization on some new point.
Is this writer’s block? It doesn’t feel like writer’s block.
Maybe it’s writer’s block.
But I think there’s some other stuff mixed in that’s giving me thought for pause.
My partner and I have been tracking analytics across the metaverse with our small business account and personal accounts and it’s fucking creepy how much control these platforms have over what content gets seen, by whom, and how often. It’s not the simple app where you could once post a status update or picture to share with family and friends. What’s worse is the mental games it plays with you: a game I thought I’d long since checked out on, but then suddenly a post gets more likes and I’m scheming and planning how to play the game harder.
While I can recognize the benefits of social media platforms, I think I’ve hit a point where the downsides are now outweighing the benefits if I’m not using the platforms with intention - and that intention can get wobbly at the best of times. And, let me tell you, I’ve been blogging on the internet since the mid 1990s. I’ve seen the waves and trends and never have I felt such discomfort on how our content and attention is being comodified and sold. Maybe I’m just getting old.
At any rate, I’m left in a strange place where I like making zines and sharing them with the world and I love weaving rugs and sharing those with the world and I even still love writing and sharing these thoughts with the world, but I’ve attached all those things to also making social media content and now I’m left with this sticky mess of how to untangle it all, keep doing the things that I love, keeping sharing it with the world, but not feel so gross about getting sucked into the social media dopamine game.
What’s more: I want to share the things that I’m making, but I can recognize that I’m not interested in attaching those things to my face, or worse, my kids’ faces. Which is literally what I’ve been doing for the last two years (to play the social media dopamine game).
I’ve seen a few writers and artists that I admire leave Instagram. I know there is life after social media and other ways of promoting the work that I do, but I also know there’s great benefit to being discoverable online. Do I go private on my accounts? Do I remove all pictures of our faces? Am I splitting hairs?
And bringing this back around, is this why I’m having trouble writing anything of substance? I didn’t mean for this to turn into a “bitch about social media” post. What I’m actually wondering is if, after years of preaching, am I allowed to just simply set down off my soap box, dust myself off, and walk away?
I mean, I know I am allowed to walk away. But I’m hesitant, and I’m wondering if that hesitation is because I’m done preaching (unlikely) or more because I’m tired of playing the social media game. But regardless of the reason, I think I just need to write this all down to give myself permission to stop when words aren’t bursting forth.
When we hit the lunar new year back in January, I set about to plan an annual intention and when I spent some time meditating on this goal, the word that kept coming up was “cocoon”. I think what that means to me is that I am craving some time to step away, to wrap myself up somewhere cozy, to let go of the pressures to create or perform or monetize, and just let my thoughts and feelings percolate for a while. This seems like it should be an easy task, but apparently it’s not.
Mother culture asks us to create endlessly and to measure our worth by the dollars we earn. Every time I think I’ve shed her pressures, they keep popping up in different ways. I should not be so surprised.
I may cocoon for a bit. I may wake up tomorrow with words that are bursting. I may delete my instagram account. I may not make a single change. I’m not sure yet. But I do feel better for having written this all down, so thanks to you for being here to share these thoughts.
Cocooning
OMG, this is exactly what I've been thinking about a lot. I keep looking for non-consumer based places to share. Maybe twitter? Mastodon is not as intuitive to use and its a bit freaky who's there. I have been loving the Patreon and even though I get very little feedback, that has been most of my creative career. I think if I want more feedback I need to create a focus group around a certain topic. Right now I'm studying the witch trials and am trying to create accessible access points to this information/history. Maybe we could create these circles in the future? I would be curious if you could describe what it is you are looking for within these virtual spaces.